Archive for January, 2008
17
Jan
sigh.
10
Jan
Malled Over
Ah. The Christmas Season. That’s the time between the holiday where we give thinks for what we have when we push everyone else out of the way to get what we want.
Nope. No cynicism here.
I’ve never been a big fan of people. And maybe it’s old age kicking in, but I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t tell malls apart. You could blindfold me, drop me off in the middle of an anchor store, and I wouldn’t be able to tell you if I was in Dillards or Belk or Hell or a maximum security prison with a cosmetics counter.
Although, I would probably recognize Sears…for no other reason that it would be devoid of people this holiday season.
Alas, malls are an inevitability around Christmas. And, after many years of painstaking research, I’ve come up with my Mall Survivability List. It’s a healthy combination of survival tactics and various ways of messing with the other assholes around you.
#1 If you need to find a close parking space, go to Sears. No one ever goes to Sears.
#2 Let a horse escape the barn by Bath and Body Works. Granted, Lime-Coconut-Fart will probably never catch on as a mainstream scent, but it’s sure fun to try. Plus, if there’s a teenage boy anywhere in the vicinity, he will instantly get blamed for it.
#3 Carry on a conversation on your phone very loudly mixing the name of some random mall store with the hottest Christmas gift of the year. “Oh my gosh! I couldn’t believe that Old Navy had so many Wiis in stock. They must’ve had dozens of them!”
#4 If you’re not planning on carrying any large or heavy items back to your car, then park far away from the store. Then when walking back to your car, walk down the aisle next to where you parked. Wait for some car to start following you. Then cut across the aisle to your car, and watch the stalker car speed up to try and get your spot. Alternatively, you can occasionally act like you’re walking to someone else’s car, and bend down and pretend you just found a penny. If you’re feeling truly assholish, you can give the penny to the stalker car.
#5 If the crowd gets too thick, put your hand over your mouth like you’re holding in puke. I swear, people will part like a bad combover.
Of course, the absolute best way to cope with the mall is to type the word ‘Amazon’ into your browser….
But messing with overstressed people during the holidays does help your sanity a bit.
10
Jan
Aromatherapy
The dogs were starting to stink.
Not just an “Eww. That dog stinks” sort of stink. It was more like the dogs were walking around with a visible greenish-brown fog sort of stink.
Of course, my dogs hate baths. Whenever I put them in the bath, they give me the most pitiful look they can muster up. It’s as though they’re saying, “We’ve been your loyal companions for years. We love you. We cuddle with you. We give you cute dog kisses. And this is how you repay us? What did we ever, ever do to you to deserve this?”
I swear, if the dogs didn’t like to leave me weekly homemade presents on our wooden floors, I might feel guilty.
So, I loaded both dogs in the car to drive them to the doggie shop and give them their baths and spoil ‘em with a few treats. I have to say, it’s amazing how quickly one’s car can get overwhelmed by the smell of funky dog.
So, right as I get out of the driveway, I hear this audible, “Pfffffffft.”
I naturally assume it was some strange sound the car made.
So, I’m driving and OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY THAT IS THE NASTIEST DOG FART I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
AND I’M STUCK IN THE CAR WITH IT. I honestly was having shortness of breath and vision problems. I finally got the windows down, but even that didn’t help. I ended up getting out of the car in the middle of the street for a few minutes to let it…dilute a bit in there.
And, of course, I look at the culprit. He’s sitting in the front seat with a look of pride and relief on his face.
So, I make this pledge right here and right now: I will never ever fart under the covers when I’m in bed with my wife ever again.
As of yesterday, I am zero for three on the job search.
This is really starting to piss me off.
I plan to make it zero for four when I send my resume off today.
07
Jan
Hi, Atus!
You know, I go for one measly month without dusting off my blog, and suddenly I have 1,086 spam posts.
(Incidentally, deleting 1,086 spam posts is an excellent procrastination tool.)
Still awaiting word about whether or not I got my job. Not optimistic.
Still trying to get deadbeat clients to pay me. Again with the non-optimism.
Fortunately, I don’t have any pesky resomalutions to deal with. My take on New Year’s Resolutions is that if you have to wait for the new year to make a change, and are not willing to drop everything right then and there, then your resolution will probably last 2 weeks.
Again with the non-optimism.